Introduction
Have you ever experienced conflict in your life? I’m going to assume you have stumbled through your fair share of conflict. Did you avoid the situation?
“Sorry, I can’t talk right now. I have to answer this (non existent) phone call.”
I was once approached by an angry stranger who belligerently accosted me. I responded, “Slichah, ani lo mevinah ivrit.” Unfortunately, I miscalculated. The woman switched to fluent Hebrew. My Hebrew is not that strong…but it did deescalate the situation.
Who do you have the most conflict with right now? Your answer to this question probably depends upon your stage of life. If you still live at home with a parent or parents, you may have daily conflicts with your family as you try to balance your autonomy, or desire for independence, with the practicalities of living under your family’s roof. If you’ve recently moved away to go to college, you may be negotiating roommate conflicts as you adjust to living with someone you may not know at all. You probably have experienced conflict within romantic relationships, friendships, and in the workplace. So, take a moment to consider how well you handle conflict.
Conflict occurs in interactions in which there are real or perceived incompatible goals, scare resources, or opposing viewpoints. Interpersonal conflict may be expressed verbally or nonverbally along a continuum ranging from a nearly imperceptible cold shoulder to a very obvious blowout.
Conflict is an inevitable part of close relationships and can take a negative emotional toll. It takes effort to ignore someone or to be passive aggressive. You may experience anger or guilt after blowing up at someone. These are all valid negative feelings.
However, conflict isn’t always negative or unproductive. In fact, numerous research studies have shown that quantity of conflict in a relationship is not as important as how well the conflict is handled (Markman, Renick, Floyd, Stanley, & Clements, 1993). Additionally, when conflict is well managed, it has the potential to lead to rewarding and satisfactory relationships (Canary & Messman, 2000).
Improving your competence when dealing with conflict can yield positive results in your personal and professional relationships. Since conflict is present in our personal and professional lives, the ability to manage conflict and negotiate desirable outcomes can help us be more successful at both. Whether you and your partner are trying to decide what brand of flat-screen television to buy or discussing the upcoming political election with your mother, the potential for conflict is present. In professional settings, the ability to engage in conflict management is a necessary and valued skill. However, many professionals do not receive training in conflict management even though they are expected to do it as part of their job. A lack of training and a lack of competence could be a recipe for disaster.
Many colleges and universities are now offering undergraduate and graduate degrees, or certificates in conflict resolution. Being able to manage conflict will make life productive and less stressful. Conflict can be an opportunity to learn more about yourself and others, as well as deepen your relationships and connections with the people in your life. The negative effects of poorly handled conflict, which can range from an awkward last few weeks of the semester with a college roommate to anger, divorce, illness, or violence, can be minimized by improving our ability and capacity to manage the typical and naturally occurring conflict in our lives. The ideas, tools, and strategies we explore in this book will seem simple but they won’t always be easy to implement.
In this book, you will apply language and frameworks to the conflict experiences you’ve experienced. We will be approaching the concepts and frameworks from two angles:
Mindset – Examining our beliefs and ideas about conflict, communication, and people. Developing our awareness and understanding of how our mindset impacts our approach to conflict.
The Ted Talk below from Chip Huth provides an interesting look at how mindset changed his approach to policing.
Huth, C. (2015).The importance of mindset in policing. TEDxTacoma. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4_29TS6jjsA
Skillset – Examining what skills you currently have and what skills you need to improve upon in order to effectively manage conflict.
Below is a Ted Talk by Amy E. Gallo about The Gift of Conflict.
Gallo, A. E. (2020). The Gift of Conflict. TEDxBroadway. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MnaLS7OE2pk
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Brandon, J. 48 All-Time Best Quotes on Facing Workplace Conflicts. Inc. Retrieved from https://www.inc.com/john-brandon/48-all-time-best-quotes-on-facing-workplace-conflicts.html
Attribution: This book is a cloned version of Making Conflict Suck Less: The Basics by Ashley Orme Nichols, published using Pressbooks by Boise State University eCampus under a CC BY-NC-SA (Attribution NonCommercial ShareAlike) license. It may differ from the original.
Material in this chapter has been adapted from “Principles of management” by the University of Minnesota is licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 4.0
