Different Ways to Assert Yourself

There may be times even when you assert yourself and hold your boundaries, the people in your life might not respect them.  Robert Bolton (1979) shares with us that aspect:

Selective Inattention – ignoring unwanted behavior if it is a one time occurrence
Temporary Withdrawal – taking time away from a relationship that doesn’t respect your boundaries
Permanent Withdrawal – ending a relationship because your boundaries aren’t respected

Consider this as an order of progression. You assert your boundaries, if they aren’t respected you can ignore the other persons behavior and assert yourself again.  If this person continues to not respect your boundaries, you might need to take some time apart.  If that behavior continues, you might need to end that relation.  This can happen with friends, partners, co-workers, and even family.

A basic act of being assertive is simply saying “no”.  Saying no without little white lies or justification will take some practice.  Have you ever been invited out with friends but didn’t want to go?  Did you make something up? “I’m busy” when you simply didn’t feel like going out.  Being assertive in that moment looks like “I really appreciate the offer, and I hope you invite me in the future, but no, I just need some me time”.

Grant, H.  (2019). How to Ask for Help and Get a Yes. Ted Talk. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h-TIRIxhq6E&t=713s