Boundaries and Being Assertive

Being assertive is to draw our boundaries.  In a physical space, boundaries are easy to identify, such as a fence, stop signs, or a door. Boundaries in our social experiences are not as easy to identify but are just as real and important as physical boundaries. Fences and doors tell us where it is safe to go, and how to behave.  The same is true when we are assert our social boundaries. Consider them invisible fences or doors we draw in our lives. Asserting our social boundaries, tell those around us what is acceptable and what isn’t acceptable in our interactions.

Robert Bolton (1979), gives us a simple and effective template for developing assertive messages to help us draw boundaries:

When you_________ (a nonjudgmental description of someone’s behavior)

I feel_____ (a specific feeling)

Because____ (how someone’s behavior directly impacts you and how they have crossed a boundary)

While this assertion template seems really simple, it actually can be quite challenging to utilize.  Some tips for making sure that you are asserting your boundaries in a productive way.

• Focus on one behavior at a time.
• Describe the behavior you chose to focus on in a nonjudgmental way with nonjudgmental language. Example:  “When you don’t pick up your crap” vs “When you leave dirty laundry in the bathroom”
• Pick a very specific feeling.
• Watch out for a feeling statement that says “I feel you…” the feeling word should describe your feeling in this situation, and not the other person. Example: “I feel like you don’t care” vs “I feel hurt” 
• When you describe the impact on yourself, express how someone’s behavior impacts you.
• Keep it concise.
• Use this template for positive reinforcement of behavior you want to keep seeing.  “When you pick up your dirty clothes, I feel appreciative, because I don’t have to take the time to pick them up.”