Self-Awareness Building
The framework presented in this chapter, the passive – assertive – aggressive continuum, is a great tool for developing your self-awareness. It helps us:
- Understand the typical way we engage with the world around us
- How we express our needs
- How we have our needs met
- How to build relationships
Utilize this table to reflect upon where you typically fall on this continuum.
| Passive | Assertive | Aggressive | |
| Definition | Communication style in which you put the rights of others before your own, minimizing your own self-worth | Communication style in which you stand up for your rights while maintaining respect for the rights of others | Communication style in which you stand up for your rights but you violate the rights of others |
| Implications to others | My feelings are not important: I don’t matter; I think I’m inferior | We are both important: We both matter; I think we are equal | Your feelings are not important: You don’t matter; I think I’m superior |
| Verbal styles | Apologetic: Overly soft or tentative voice | I statements: Firm voice | You statements: Loud voice |
| Nonverbal styles | Looking down or away: Stooped posture; excessive head nodding | Looking direct: Relaxed posture; smooth and relaxed movements | Staring, narrow eyes: Tense, clenched fists; rigid posture; pointing fingers |
| Potential consequences | Lowered self-esteem: Anger at self; false feelings of inferiority; disrespect from others; pitied by others | High self-esteem: Self-respect; respect from others; respect of others | Anger from others: Lowered self-esteem; disrespect from others; feared by others |
Things to consider in this reflection:
- Where do you think you fall on this continuum most regularly?
- Where do you want to fall on this continuum most regularly?
- Are there times when you are more passive, more aggressive, or more assertive?
- Are there times you would like to be more assertive?
- Where can you be more assertive in your daily life?
- What are the boundaries in your life that are most important?
These points of reflection can help you identify strategies for developing and living a more assertive life. In order to be more assertive in your life and draw the appropriate boundaries in your relationships, you first and foremost need to understand what is truly important to you. In chapter 7 we will look at a framework to consider how to define what is core to who you are, and what is flexible, so for now just start this reflection process.
Other Awareness Building
The passive – assertive – aggressive continuum also allows us to understand where other people might fall on this continuum. You can ask yourself these questions to start understanding others:
- What behaviors do I see when I am in conflict with this person?
- Does this person shut down, lash out, or express themselves when in a stressful situation or conflict?
- Do I understand this person’s needs or ideas?
- Does this person understand my needs or ideas?
- How does this other person responds to you? If you are more passive or aggressive, how does that impact the other person?
Gaining personal insight can help you prepare for building strong relationships with the people around you.
Relationship Building
Strong relationships are built on:
- solid boundaries,
- shared values,
- and mutual understanding.
An underlying principle of being assertive and setting boundaries is respect. Respecting yourself, respecting others, and respecting your relationship. The passive – assertive – aggressive continuum is an important framework in building strong relationships. In order for relationships to be productive and meaningful, we need to understand how we relate to one another.
