6 Step Assertion Process
Imagine: It’s time to draw a boundary with someone close to you. You have thought long and hard about what is important to you. You know what you want to say. So, what do you do now? Robert Bolton (1979), gives us a process to follow when delivering our assertion.
1) Preparation
2) Delivering the Message
3) Silence
4) Active Listening
5) Recycle steps 2-4 (as necessary)
6) Focus on a Solution
Preparation – In the preparation stage you spend time, before you enter into a conversation with the other person, reflecting upon what is important for you to convey. You develop your framing (from chapter 3), assertion message, and you prepare yourself for this process.
Deliver the Message – Share your frame and your assertion message.
Silence – Allow the other person time to process what you have just said. Sometimes, after we assert ourselves, we want to justify ourselves. We may want to fill the silence because it can be awkward and uncomfortable. Take a deep breath while they consider what you have just said. Consider that they may have not considered this topic before this very moment.
Active Listening – Once the person responds to your assertion, your job is to reflect back what their response is. This response could be defensive, it could be off track from your original topic, or they could shut down. Actively listening to the other person will likely be the last thing you want to do, but it is a crucial part of the process.
Recycle Steps 2-4 (as necessary) – You will likely have to reassert yourself, provide more silence, and actively listen a few times, before you can move into the next step in the process. This part of the process allows you and the other person to really understand each other and get on the same page.
Focus on A Solution – Often times in conflict we jump to this step without taking the time to go through steps 1-5. Only focus on a solution after you have understood the other person, they have understood you, and you are both ready and capable of focusing on a solution.
