The Interview

“Come in and sit down, Sam,”

“Ok. Should I call you Lord or God?” I felt as though I should bow or kneel or prostrate myself.

“Relax,” he said. “You know, I haven’t had an interview like this since Moses. Or was it, Ezekial?”

“I think … ah … Ezekial.” I looked down.

“Yeah, Ezekial but look, that time is gone. Here we are in the age of professional football, fifth generation Barbie dolls, international corporations, and failed governments. We’re even past the time of punk rock.”

I nodded my head slowly, trying to take in this unexpected beginning.

“Lord, do you mind if I record this?”

“It’s already recorded,” he said. “Remember, I control time and space… and some social media.”  The Lord cracked a big smile.

“Well, that’s great but I would prefer–” I drawled.

“Forget it. Let’s be human. You’re you and I’m God. Let’s do it your way.”

“Great. Thanks.” Inwardly, I rolled my eyes.

“Seriously Sam? C’mon! If we are going to do this, let’s do it right.  I know you don’t believe this is really happening, but give me a chance.”

“Sorry” I muttered. How did he know I was that skeptical?

I pulled up a chair and positioned myself in front of ”God.” The Lord had an expansive office with walls made of whiteboards. There were scribbles and drawings all over the place. One illustration looked like a jigsaw puzzle that loosely resembled parts found on a duckbill platypus. Maybe the Lord was trying to create a new animal that mankind had yet to discover. The white boards suddenly shifted into bright screens full of colors that made the room come alive. There were numerous screens, all of them showing people. Each screen was probably one foot by two feet. I tried to see what brand the screens were and where they were made, but there was no brand name that I could see. That would have made a great commercial for LG or Vizio though. I could see the advertisement now “our TVs are so good even the Lord uses them.”  How God could even monitor so many screens simultaneously was beyond me. Images would flash for a brief second and then change. The screens seemed to blend into one big screen. I had the ultimate big screen experience available in God’s office. Wait. Was I starting to believe this guy was legit?

I was trying to take everything in. I became transfixed. I caught myself staring at the Lord. I didn’t know what to expect. I was thinking about the actor Morgan Freeman in the movie Bruce Almighty and the actor George Burns from the Oh, God! movies. Movie images were one thing, but this was no movie and truth had become stranger than fiction. I knew I wasn’t dreaming; I had already pinched myself several times.

When I was met at my home that morning by “God’s” personal assistant, I was blindfolded and taken to this secret location. I don’t remember how long we traveled, but I had a suspicion I was no longer in New York.   In fact, I knew we were in New Jersey and exited at Exit 10 because the driver had to pay the toll on the Garden State Parkway and slowed down so the toll would be registered on the EZPass.  It was also a given we were in New Jersey because part-way through the trip the driver turned on his audible GPS. That is how I knew we had passed exit 10- it wasn’t any secret skills I had. I just listened to the GPS   I guess he wasn’t a professional kidnapper. Maybe the driver was sloppy or maybe he didn’t care. I pretended that I didn’t know what was going on. I felt a bit like Dorothy being dropped in the Land of Oz, but there was no Toto around.

Now there was a man standing in front of me. This was no ordinary man, this was…..me. It was like looking in a mirror. He was wearing the same clothes I wore, and he was even wearing the same cologne I had put on this morning when I left my home.  His hair was a little disheveled in my opinion, but he was a carbon copy of …me!.

“You like looking at yourself in a mirror?” God asked.

I didn’t know how to answer. The way my jaw dropped was answer enough.

“Son, I can take the shape of anyone or anything I want, so I thought it would be best to be on even footing with you… and be you. I can take any shape or form I want, but I like to take human form whenever I can. It’s t fun. The only problem is that when I’m in human form, I suffer all the same issues humans have. I can even get a pimple.”

On the screens popped up a large image of actor John Belushi in the movie Animal House, where he pretended to be a zit and slapped his hand against his cheeks to spew food on others.

“I loved that movie, Sam. John and I have so much fun up here. I try to go out with him every couple of weeks just for a boys’ night.”

God got up and moved to a corner of the office. The office kept changing and different elements popped up all the time. Now a treadmill appeared. It was a fancy treadmill with all the bells and whistles- a large fan, and racing stripes along the sides. The treadmill was actually floating in the air.

“I hope you don’t mind if I work out while we chat, Sam?  I have this treadmill desk and it’s a hoot. I can do my work and exercise at the same time. Exercise is important for everyone!”

The Lord started the fancy-looking machine.

“Sam, exercise every day, no matter how high you are up on the management ladder. You’ll be healthier and you’ll also make better decisions, since your head will be clearer. I never make a big decision before working out. I created the world after running a 26.2-million-mile celestial marathon. That was quite a mind-clearing experience, and I really deserved the rest after I was done.”

God… a marathon runner?  I do enjoy a nice workout before making any major decisions. Why would the Lord be any different?  I then thought about the current trend of taking nature walks before making big decisions and how that strategy has become a fad over the past couple years. Little did they know that was the God’s idea before he created the world.

“No problem.”  What was I going to do, complain? “I also think exercise is great and might go running later tonight.”

The look on the Lord’s face said it all. He gave me that look which showed he knew that when I returned home tonight, I wasn’t going to run. He was probably right.

“Would you like anything to eat or drink?”

“I’m fine.”

“Where shall we begin? The Lord asked.

I had rehearsed my opening dialogue for several hours in my head. It is similar to when I was dating, I wanted to be smooth with my opening lines so I would rehearse them in the mirror. Normally all that preparation imploded…

“Well…I’m…”  I was not able to finish my sentence before I was interrupted.

“I know who you are. I know your name, age, family status, everything. Remember all your deeds are recorded in a book.” The Lord held up a tablet. “Well, it’s no longer a book. I’ve gone digital. Thus, the Seeing Eye is what I use, and I have the ultimate cloud database in heaven.”

The Lord chuckled at his own joke.

“Lord, what should I call you?  I mean, you know my name, but I don’t know yours.”

“I am who I am,” exclaimed the Lord with a chuckle.

The Lord was pulling my leg. He had the full rapporteur of dad jokes. Then again, considering that he is our father, I guess it was only appropriate.

“Sam, you can call me God, if that makes you comfortable. Most humans have a hard time grasping me. Am I male or female, am I alive, and am I still active in the world?  These are all questions I’m used to hearing. Thus, you can call me God, but my business card says CHO—Chief Happiness Officer—because I want the world to be a happy place. You can’t place a value on happiness, even though so many people try to place a value on money as a tool to become happy.”

“Well….” I began. I had thought about this opportunity for a lifetime ever since I was a young kid forced to go to services. I focused my attention upon the task at hand and blurted out: “God, why is there so much suffering in the world?”  I don’t know why that came out. It wasn’t in my notes.

“Do you want the short and sweet answer or the short and sweet answer?”

“I’m sorry, that isn’t the focus of this interview. I had promised Rebecca that I would focus the interview on business and management issues.”

“All questions are business and management issues. The questions focus on how I run my business which is the world and everything on, around, and in it.”

The Lord motioned with his hands to show he was gesturing around, not just at the office, but at the entire world. The Lord continued, “Don’t hesitate about asking any questions. I’ll warn you, though, that I won’t tell you your future, what will happen to you or those around you, or the winning lottery numbers.”

The Lord looked at all the buttons on the treadmill with an inquisitive eye. It seemed like he felt he had traveled further or maybe had burned less calories than he had anticipated. He then continued, “Remember, freewill exists. I can set everything up and a person can act in a way that blows all my planning to bits. I can’t tell you how many close basketball games I thought my teams would’ve won, and then we lost them in the final seconds. Now let me give you the answer I think you and your readers would most understand.”

God continued, “I gave mankind free will to make their destiny. Yes, I would like people to make the right choices, and often they don’t. But when they do, I am incredibly proud. Now, that doesn’t answer the question about why the righteous suffer or why babies might die. I wish there was an easy way to justify such occurrences, but sometimes the trials and tribulations that we go through help shape who we are and how we respond. Through those actions, mankind can show they are able to truly love one another and help each other out.”

The Lord put his two hands together in the shape of a heart and then continued. “I should say that each and every soul is precious to me, and I send each soul to earth with a mission. That mission might be to challenge loved ones, to improve others, or to serve as tests. I love each and every soul and they are all still with me, even with the boom in population over the past 100 years. I still know every person’s name.”

The Lord pointed to a book on his desk. The title was…The Big Book of Names. The book was over two feet thick. The Lord looked at me and the lid of the book popped open. Inside were hundreds of Babe Ruth candy bars. He motioned to me to take one. Of course, I took one. Who can refuse a candy bar?  I could see the Lord smiling while trying to push himself up the now inclining treadmill. “Even the Lord has vices. That is my secret stash Sam… don’t let Rebecca know.”

The Lord continued, “I hope you can understand that suffering might be part of a journey, a much broader journey for every soul, and it is hard to connect all the dots with so little information or context. Yes, I created diseases, I have caused suffering through natural disasters, and yes all my people have committed atrocities that I’m ashamed of. Every leader has to deal with calamities. Sometimes a corporate leader has to terminate someone for the good of the company. The fired worker will be hurt and feel really bad. Co-workers might be upset with the boss. However, the co-workers and the fired worker might not have the full context of why the person was fired and the potential ramification of the decision five, ten, or fifty years later.”

The Lord gazed away from the treadmill’s control. He jumped and spun around, now going backward on the treadmill. He looked me in the eyes and shrugged. “The simple answer then is that suffering has to be viewed in context, and context is often impossible to grasp without knowing the entire past and the possible future.”  Just as fast, he jumped around and began running normally on the treadmill.

The Lord took a sip from his water bottle and kept jogging. “Sam, there is a lot of evil going on in the world. All these terrorists as an example. They have free will to do good.  If they choose the right path, the rewards will be great. But if they choose the wrong path and injure or harm others, then there can be no divine mercy.”

I saw steam coming out of the Lord’s ears. I could sense that one wouldn’t want to get on the Lord’s bad side. With all these actions going on with a second’s notice, there was no way the entity in front of me could be anything but the almighty.

“Sam, I can be a hanging judge, but I can also be as compassionate as a parent to their baby. I give everyone an opportunity to shine and if they don’t take advantage of that opportunity…well…. I have no problem punishing someone. Think of it like a proud parent who is glad their kid did the right thing and that same parent being upset and wanting to punish their child for doing the wrong thing. That is what I am doing with all these screens. It’s like the naughty and nice list that folks sing about at Christmas time.”

I was awed. I was receiving a lesson in faith and belief from the Big Guy himself. “I…”

“Let me ask you a question, son. Who are you?”

“I’m a reporter….”

I was cut off again.

“That is what you do, not who you are. There is a difference. People often get wrapped up in their identity. I am a lawyer, I am a plumber, I am a shepherd. That is the job people have. I am a good person, I help the poor, I am kind to animals—those represent who people are.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Sam, what are you most proud of?  What is your reason for existing?”

“My kids,” I blurted out. I thought that was a safe answer.

“What about your kids?”

“I love my children They are my life. I would love to bring them here to meet you, as they would never believe who I interviewed today.”

The Lord tilted his head and responded.

“So, you’re proud of your kids. That’s admirable.   Did you know that John cheated on his math test last week?”

“I….”

“Don’t get me wrong, son, your kids John and Sarah are great. John is a great kid. Just like so many of my souls are great and doing wonderful things. You have a picture of John and Sarah in your mind, but you don’t have all the facts or context. John cheated because he didn’t want you to think poorly of him and didn’t want to let you down. Like I said, they are great kids, but that doesn’t define you. You exist for more than that.”

God continued. “I would have answered the question a bit differently. Knowing you the way I do, I would say you are a loving husband and father who has made a difference in exactly…” God looked up something on a computer screen in front of him and continued, “245,431 lives.”

“What?”

“Yes, you have done so many little things such as giving charity, volunteering for the church, and even giving blood. These actions produced a ripple effect that expanded beyond the person you thought you were helping. I think the common vernacular today is paying it forward. Remember when you gave $5.00 to my messenger on the street corner yesterday? He ended up giving the money to a poor mom who fed her three kids. That was five people you directly impacted with one small act.”

“I never thought of it that way, Lord. I guess it’s like the ripples created by throwing a rock into a body of water.”

“You are correct, my son.”

“What do you mean by messenger? He was a bum…”

I tried to stop myself and regretted my words immediately.

“Bum!  How can you make a judgment like that?”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to attack him or offend you.”

“Just because someone is wearing an expensive $2,000 Armani suit does not make them a saint, or if someone is wearing sackcloth that doesn’t make them a bum.  Clothes, beads, and bobbles do not make the person. You know that beauty is only skin deep. I would say that the rich executive might have many more strikes against her than the “’bum’” (the Lord actually used finger quotes) “Who might be disheveled but have a lot more merits and will be greeted at the Pearly Gates by me personally.”

I wondered what the Pearly Gates looked like, and, just like that, the Lord pointed to a photo on the wall of him at the Pearly Gates. I knew it was him because he was pictured wearing a shirt reading “Lord” and right next to him was Elvis wearing a t-shirt that read “King.”

The Lord grinned at the photo. I think he was very proud of that photo, and I was glad that Elvis was able to make it to the good side.

“I send down a number of operatives to help me truly know the disposition of others. Remember, Mordechai in the Queen Ester story wore sack cloths and so did Jonah after being spit out by the whale, and their actions—even though they were dressed in sack cloth—helped transform and save numerous people. The operative I sent yesterday was actually a test for you. Yes, you did your research and read the Bible and talked to some priests before our meeting. I also did my research to test how you would act.”

The Lord winked at me. It was one of those winks and moments that make your heart melt because you can sense the love. So many people think negatively about tests. Driver’s license tests are feared by many. Being audited by the IRS is a test. Raising kids is a major test. Trying to comfort the sick—now that was a test. Maybe tests should be examined in the positive rather than the negative: as tools to help show our fortitude or resilience. We are being tested to show our fortitude or resilience, I thought to myself. I wondered whether it might be a test when people have illnesses or are fired from their jobs.

The Lord looked at me with a smile and nodded his head. The smile said that, in the game of hot and cold, I was very hot. I felt great, but I had to keep moving or this interview would take a month. That might not be that bad I thought—a month with the Lord…If they would have known that in high school, I probably would have been voted most likely to succeed.

“A test?” I asked.

“Yes, one of my biggest tests is often about money.”

“So, I passed?”

“Why does everything have to be about passing or winning?  You did well, and I am proud of you. It is similar to how I am proud of Fred Smith on screen 112, or Xian Zjuhang on screen 3, or even little Juan on screen 71, just to name a few. I am proudest of all my children when they do well and do the right thing. Even when they do something seemingly wrong, it still could be the right thing. Telling a white lie that your wife looked good in the green dress yesterday when you didn’t like the dress is wrong, but the correct way not to hurt someone’s feelings because you know she liked her outfit. Once again, it’s all about context.”

I was starting to get the Lord’s gist. It was all about context. We hope for black and white answers, but most of the time the hard answers will be gray. My mind was racing. So many thoughts, so many questions, so little time. I looked at my notes and then God said, “Let’s continue—there is so much more to cover.”